People has been asking me, "Why?" I couldn't answer them in detail, I could only say that "We grew apart." 8 years and we grew apart. Though neither one of us would want to admit that but I can't go on being in a knot without knowing if the other string still really wants to be attached. Words given is that the string still wants to be attached but action shown to me is that the string's bond has already been weakend and no longer wants to put in anymore effort.
Itchy butt me went to read back his blogs and realised that it was very all very beautiful until our 5th year. We used to send poems to each other, create stupid menus, do stupid things like teddy bear murder case & coke plus mentos. But then it all faded afer we come into the real world in KL.
Quotes from his blog:
It was like this:
牽牽牽手 - *For me, this is the song where more like the continue of ‘Ming tian guo hou’.
Piano melody, soft song…
This song more from a stupid stupid guy sing for his love one.
Sometime love doesn’t need too many trick
once u r sincerely, true from your heart. He or she can feels it.
A simple holding hand together, a small gesture, can represent many words n express your feeling.
If anything happen on my love, sad or happy, I wish I can hug her tight n tight
Let her know that I always there with her n I understand her feeling.
Do u feel it, my love? = )
And then this happened:
七年之痒 - 我和她五年了。请别弄我生气，因为你承受不了我的生气的模样和行为
The Seven Year Itch - me and her for five years. Please do not get me angry, because you can not afford my angry look and behavior
I wonder what happened to us that we are down at this empty road, just reminiscing the good times while experiencing the stale time that we had together. It made a lot of sense to me now. I no longer get the tight n tight hug promised, only when I hug him, I get hugged back. I no longer get the kiss, I only get it when I kiss him. I am no longer heard of, one ear with earphone with songs and another open to listen to my words. Still can't hear and asked me to repeat with a louder voice instead of off-ing the song... Guess my conversation topic is not as important as the song.
I guess overall, although I still want to love him and care for him, I know that deep down inside of him, I am no longer a priority or someone to be appreciated anymore. He may not know about his own feeling, but I can feel it since I have received no feelings.
All this could also be probably caused by the fact that I have not been honest with myself, knowing that I am not receiving the kind of love and attention that I want but still wants to keep going on. I have tried a few times to address this issue but instead I was turned down by the statement "Only you feel it right?" Probably...and probably that's why I am leaving him alone to not feel anything.
I have not been perfect in this relationship, I know. I have been one of the culprit of letting this battle go to an end, I know. I, however will not back down this decision.
I have not dumped anyone nor have I been dumped. Both of us has mutually agreed on this.
I am not sure how I want to end this post nor am I sure the purpose of posting this. I want to vent this out! FB is the most unreliable source and my fingers just want to type these feelings out so that I can re-assure myself that I have made best decision out of this situation this time. I am no longer a person who is ever-ready to serve and being angry at for saying the wrong thing or being ignored or not being asked for dates or movies. I am me, myself, who likes to watch movies in the cinemas, spend nights on the couch watching tv series, play badminton, talk nonsense, beautify myself, clothes shopping, work like nobody's business whenever I want to. I am me now that when I'm doing all that, I do not have the pocking feeling in my heart of self-pity for not being loved fully by the person I expected it the most from. I am now a free bird from this suffering because I am able to learn to let go.
No comments:
Post a Comment